Let me start by saying I have been annoyed for the past three days and I learned a lesson in putting things online when you are mad so decided against blogging when I am on the verge of throwing something across the room. Now that I am better I have decided to be APPRECIATIVE. I am so thankful that Ariel is safe and I get to somehow communicate with him everyday. I take this for granted and I guess I am expecting it but sometimes he won't be able to talk to me and I am happy that for now I basically hear from him at least some way every day. I am also appreciative that I am not stressed about money or work or my pups health. I am appreciative of my new friends and the fact they invited me to dinner, which I am really excited about.
I have discovered that I am not as APATHETIC as I thought. I was kind of worried there for a little bit. I had not cried, I had not gotten angry, I was kind of enjoying my time alone. Looking at the bright side, I kept telling myself. But last night I felt pain. This hurt deep down in my chest, turning my stomach inside out, breathing felt heavy and my head felt as if there were a hundred horse running in it. I looked at a picture of Ariel but forgot what his face looks like. It sounds silly but a picture is not a person. I couldn't remember expressions or his voice. I don't remember what it feels like to be touched (not sexually or anything), just holding hands or his hand grazing my thigh to try and get my attention. I found myself changing the channel because a couple on HGTV working on their first home made me nauseous. They really just reminded me too much of us and I couldn't stand it. I guess I also hadn't had anything bad happen to me since he left until yesterday and it bothered me not to have him here to talk to.
Today I felt as if I was losing momentum, but I guess its like skateboarding just put on foot down and push forward. Life happens and it sucks but (shrugs shoulders) I can't change anything right now except for my attitude so I think I am going back to positivity. I felt better when I woke up and told myself only 51 weeks left. It was easier when I didn't think about it. I had been treating this like NTC of SFAS I know hes coming home so lets just not think about it for now. I think I need a happy medium, so that i don't look like I dont care and so that I don't look like a whinny army wife. Maybe I am just tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately. But tomorrow welcome back APATHETIC robot, I have missed you!
Sweetie, this is exactly what I told you would happen. You would be fine for about two weeks and then the pain would be crushing, then you will be ok for another month-two and have another rough time. Then you will be ok. You are not apathetic, you are coping and strong. You miss him everyday, you just can't walk around with that open wound and function, your brain sets it aside and brings it up when your hurt center is full and you are ready to deal. Relax, this is how it goes!
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